I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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