My room smells like vodka and shame
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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