My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
