Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
