margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
