I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
