Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
