Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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