Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
