Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
