I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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