im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
