every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
