someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
