I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
