what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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