Are we in a gay sports bar?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
