I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
