a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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