In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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