Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
