You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
