I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
