Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
