does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
