I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize