Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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