now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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