Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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