Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
