Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
