i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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