I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize