I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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