Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
