I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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