It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize