I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
