I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
