I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
