she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
