remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
