Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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