Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
