how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
