i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
