she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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