Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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