Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
