Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
