At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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