Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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