It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
