I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
