i was rollin on her like bob the builder
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
