yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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