Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
