This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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