woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
