I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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