I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
