after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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